What.Ju.Sturbie.Writes.

stubborn.taurus
quiet.patient

complicated thoughts with a simple mind

THIS IS
:: sturbie ::

designer: somewaytolov-e
images: music+pixels

3:40 AM / Saturday, February 10, 2007

instead of calling, i sms-ed
but still hoping u'll reply and we can talk
but u did not
then i know, i had to decide sooner
as mentioned, i have not reached a decision
thus i did not dare call

silently i came online
i halfheartedly wish u were online
3.51am,
would any living soul will be awake at this hour?
halfheartedly i wished u are hopefully well asleep
eating well, sleeping well
attending lessons
and not isolating urself at home

den again, what right to i have to care
when i can't even give u an answer
i can't even make a decision and convince u that this is what i want
that i am trying my best
clearly u might just think i'm running away
i am not
the more they think i cannot handle this
the more i should tell them i CAN

but for my pride and career
i made u upset, i made u cry
is it worth all of it?
is it worth a damage to your faith in me?
is it worth putting this relationship at a stake
definitely not
i'm trying i definitely am
but who will believe me
tearing publicly like a fool
to you maybe is just words to gain sympathy
literally killing everyone to finish off late
completing the task asap can't help

cos it won't change ur mind on anything

imissu,
so much it's driving me up the wall
i couldn't recall when wat the last time before this i cry myself to sleep
but i did, just last night
cos i know i have again wasted another day not deciding
not pushing hard enough
and this delay is making 'us' suffer
i'd miss u terribly i don't even know what to do anymore
don't know what to think
all i can think is making a phone call
which hesitated me becos i know you wouldn't want to without and answer

i guess u've given up on me
i guess decisions i make will make u leave me, eventually
i guess maybe, the love is not strong enough anymore to make u stay with me

words are hard to explain
even now
as my emotions are running wild
and the tears just won't fucking stop
can they just fucking stop?!

no more lies from me
i am thinking through
i really am
i know its hurting but there's consequences to suffer
ends to meet
trust me, please

i miss u
ur voice
that idiotic laughter of urs
the smell of ur hair
those hugs and kisses
missed so much that can't be measured

realised finally
i really REALLY can't do without u

and now, im just as good as dead
i

am

dying